escapism turned inward, befriending fear, and giving attention to the reminders we sometimes need to re-receive through each other + the universe
hey hey, it’s des ☾
Anthony Bourdain (i love him so bad) would no doubt be disappointed about how little I’ve been writing. Even more so about how often I choose to write specifically when I feel inspired rather than it being something I just do; a behavior I naturally engage in, a necessary method of expression even without a definite end goal. I cleaned a few squid in high school once for biology class and by comparison, writing is indeed a luxury and privilege. I’d like to start treating it as such, much more often. So, let’s get into it.
At the end of February, one of my best friends and I decided to take off to the coast for downtime. If a singular day in February were a deep breath, uncontainable by my lungs and reaching into the depths of my stomach, it would’ve been this one.
I’ve noticed that it often feels easiest to remember to literally take a deep breath when I’m grounded at the edge of the ocean. I imagine it partially has to do with the fact that I’m, in a sense, staring down a fear of mine in the face. Just because I wasn’t actively being pulled away from land, stranded in the ocean or drowning, the fear of those experiences still exists on shore. That moment causes me to re-realize that sometimes all I really have, as well as in others of fear, is my relationship with fear, my body and breath.
There’s a similar realization that can happen when it comes to experiencing the feeling of needing and/or wanting to escape. it’s often accompanied by a simultaneously knowing that once you get to wherever you think is going to help, you’re [eventually] still going to feel the thing you’re trying to get away from. I bring this up as a form of admittance. Having developed enough of a relationship with myself to know that at times, no matter how far away I go from the physical place it originated, the feeling will usually carry on in me.
Even though I am afraid of the ocean (out of honest respect for her and the life she holds, as well as acknowledging and knowing I could easily get absolutely wrecked out there), I also view it as wildly spiritual and a teacher if anything. It’s the one place that feels notoriously anxiety inducing and unbelievably serene all at once. The one place that reminds me I can hold tightly onto fear, be in flow with it, be held in it and let go of it without judgement. All out of my own will to learn how to choose; my own ability to be still, take my time and truly decide how I need/want to navigate it.
Ultimately, the only thing that brought ease, was running toward all of it. I think this particular [fleeting] escapism arc showed me that while it’s usually best to run toward my fear and the feeling(s) I so desperately want to ignore at times (when warranted, listen to your mf intuition y’all) rather than away, I don’t always have to do it alone.
you might be thinking, yeah destinee, duh. you could be half right, this isn’t rocket science but for a raging perfectionist in self-induced reform school, the realization (much more the open admittance) is a pretty notable win for me. so i’m claiming it, no questions, thank you.
You and I, we’re capable of doing difficult things, owning and handling our shit. However, just because we can do it alone, doesn’t mean we habitually have to. It’s okay to admit to ourselves that confronting ourselves, our feelings, our struggles becomes easier with someone or multiple someones by our side(s) when needed.
Not doing it all alone, all the time, doesn’t make us weak. It makes us brave. The desire to face your fears, much more to let someone else witness you doing so, means the bravery is already there; it’s been part of you before you could even realize.
I felt better about running toward myself in part because of who I was escaping with; who was running toward themselves in parallel. Acknowledging and mending a wound by letting someone see it and in turn bearing witness to theirs. To be seen is to be loved. To be loved and let ourselves be loved is to heal. to let someone into our desire to escape is love. to love, is to love, is to love.
My friendship with V is an always reminder to just be, a little more. She’s fiery, humorous and leads with a bit more emotion than I do and I think we perfectly balance each other out because of those things. Escapism fears her in all of the best ways. She’s unafraid of confronting herself. She’s unafraid to do things she wants to do for the sake of wanting and being able to do them. That’s enough for her. It’s genuinely beautiful and something I admire about her.
In an effort to follow suit and do something just because I wanted to, I brought my camera with me. I had been filming other moments but wanted to do more, so this time I did. naturally, we ended up photographing each other, then filming a bunch of random clips, and decided to do a mini spec shoot on a whim.
y’all the spec shoot we did turned out so sweet and cute. I’m so excited to share it, it’ll be out tomorrow (Friday May 15th). WE CAN AND SHOULD CREATE JUST BECAUSE WE CAN. WE HAVE THE BITS OF FREE WILL WE DO SO THAT WE CAN BE PASSIONATE. small and great reminders from the people we love + the universe are so special, let yourself hear them and act on them. <3
So, what if escapism was less about the sole idea of running from and more about:
escaping into creativity
escaping into more of our lives
escaping into intimacy
escaping into friendship*
escaping into more of who we are and what we like
escaping to the mf coast because it’s so breathtaking and so close
*(platonic, romantic, a secret third thing where the lines blur or exist in close parallel; utter platonic devotion with romantic facets???
I think a decent amount of my closest platonic friendships, at least in the way they exist for me, are naturally romantic in their own right. one could easily think and decide that by the way I talk about, spend time with, photograph, and create with the women closest to me: “she’s in love with them”. they’d be right, in some capacity I am. however, in the interest of time and topic at hand, we’ll cover that later.
I feel like the idea of escapism often gets a bad rap and not necessarily for no reason in the way it’s typically portrayed. however, i think and feel like i’m learning that when it comes to certain ideas that leave room for personal experiences, it could be worthwhile to explore and redefine them as a way to understand ourselves better. I think it’s it’s okay to (safely) run away as long as we’re still running toward ourselves, our bodies and our breath.
A few things to consider the next time you decide you need to get out a lil bit. or not, free will ya know?
so much love baby,
xx, -des